Breaking Bonds Read online

  to stomach it.”

  ―FLANNERY O’CONNOR

  You will need to prepare for war when you decide to leave your husband. Because of his self-loathing, an abusive man has no moral compass. He will stoop to guerrilla tactics to keep you under his thumb or try to make sure that you end up with as close to nothing as possible. It doesn’t matter to him whether you have given him the best years of your life or that you are the mother of his children. If he can pummel you with his words, his fists, or his passive-aggressive behavior, he is going to pummel the hell out of you both in court and outside of court for daring to stand up for yourself and leave him.

  I have heard this kind of behavior referred to as divorce psychosis. This occurs when a man loses his mind and decides that his divorce is a life-threatening situation. He believes that his wife must die, literally or figuratively, for him to live. Therefore, he is going to try to “win” regardless of the cost.

  And yes, if your husband experiences divorce psychosis, you will pay the price for having made a very bad choice in marrying him. Remember that your dignity, freedom, and peace of mind are worth any price that you will have to pay to get them.

  Many women suffer from heart disease and cancer because they carry emotional pain in their bodies that they were not able to process in a healthy way. Ultimately, pain manifests itself as illness. If you don’t get out of your unhealthy marriage soon, you may become ill or die prematurely. If you are suffering from a lot of pain, you need to put yourself first.

  CHOOSE YOU

  “If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don’t, you are ducking your responsibilities.”

  ―ANN RICHARDS

  Deciding to divorce is very difficult and gut-wrenching. Fortunately, you do not have to go through it alone. In addition to your family, trusted friends, lawyer, financial advisor, and therapist, there are many social and spiritual resources available to you. Prayer and meditation may bring you great comfort and help you to remember that you are never alone; we are connected to one another and God.

  Know in your heart that you are valued, you deserve help, and you are loved. God loves you. Your family loves you. Your friends love you. Now your job is to learn to love yourself—or relearn to love yourself—by actively taking care of yourself. Practice self-care.

  After my divorce, I realized that I needed to take time to reflect and heal. As I began to question everything I was taught, I saw that the abuse in my marriage continued for as long as it did because I was never taught to value myself. My mother did not value herself enough, so I did not have a good role model in childhood. In our culture, women are taught to put the needs of others first, ahead of their own, especially if they are mothers. We are taught to feel guilty for taking care of ourselves. Once I realized this was no longer acceptable, I committed to learning to value myself and take care of my needs.

  In pursuit of healing, I read many books on spiritual matters. I made a retreat at a monastery, attended spiritual workshops, and became a Reiki master. Reiki is a form of gentle and soothing energy healing that we can give to ourselves and our children, friends, and pets. I tried many different types of therapy, meditation, and prayer. I sought to find meaning in my suffering so that I could transform it into something bigger than myself. My search led to a desire to research and write this book to help other women break the cycle of abuse and low self-esteem in their lives. This is important not only to help them recover their lives to live them more fully but also so that this cycle of abuse it is not passed on in to the next generation. Thank you for reading it and giving me purpose. My aspiration is that you find considerable information of value to you here throughout your divorce and recovery.

  Your divorce is an opportunity for you to change, grow, and become the person God meant you to be. I hope it ends up being as huge a blessing for you as my divorce was for me. Although I certainly didn’t see the divorce that way at the time because of the heartbreak and worry over financial issues that were aspects of the process, in the end it brought me much closer to God.

  Your journey of recovery from your unhappy marriage will require you to let go of what is not working in your life, which is a loss that can feel like somebody died. The adjustment you will have to make to a new life paradigm will no doubt involve a period of mourning. Only by letting go of what is not working can you open a space for something brand new and better. The first step of letting go can feel like standing on a precipice and looking over the edge, knowing that you will have to take a leap of faith.

  Many women who exit an abusive marriage remarry quickly, only to discover that their second husbands are abusers as well. They, in effect, end up marrying the same man in a different pair of pants. It is therefore important not to remarry too soon. Before you start a new relationship, ask yourself these questions:

  Why did I marry an abusive man in the first place?

  Did I have self-esteem issues before the marriage that made me vulnerable to being manipulated?

  Why did I continue to put up with the abuse?

  What can I do to repair my self-worth, which has been eroded over a long period, so that I can be at peace and cherish my life?

  We are going to look at these and many other important questions together so that you can have a healthy and happy life, including a healthy relationship the next time you marry if that is what you want. It is necessary to take a hard look at yourself so that you can make the changes you need to make to have a better life and not repeat the mistakes of the past.

  Looking closely at the choices you made is not going to be easy, but understanding and recovery are possible when viewed through the lens of compassion. Remember, you are worth it.

  Although the divorce process is a painful one, it is necessary for your personal growth and welfare, as well as that of your children. Stop feeling guilty for what you have done and for what you have failed to do. Every single human being on this planet has done or failed to do things in ways that he or she later has come to regret. You are not your actions or how you were treated. You are not your past or your thoughts about your past. Your past should inform you, but it does not define you. Learn lessons from it and let it go. It is necessary for you to accept the reality of what is happening today. No more denial, no more excuses. It is time to act.

  Women are the backbone of the family. As the members of our society who are primarily responsible for raising and nurturing our children, we have more of an impact on how our children are going to turn out in the face of abuse in the family than men do. It is time to break the cycle of verbal and physical violence that is so prevalent in our culture.

  FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

  “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

  ―KHALIL GIBRAN

  This book contains a lot of information on legal and financial matters, available resources, and specific examples of good and bad decisions to help you to protect yourself and your children physically, legally and financially. The primary goal of this book, however, is to help you to take responsibility for your life and to heal mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so you may create the happy and fulfilling life that you deserve. You may have been too afraid or weak to end your unhappy marriage in the past, but now you are going to acquire the skills and strength that you need to do it.

  This book is one of many resources that are available to you. Please keep it in a safe place where you know your husband is not likely to find it, or leave it at work.

  Now, let’s get started.

  PART ONE

  MARRIAGE—

  IT TAKES TWO

  “No man is good enough to govern any woman without

  her consent.”

  ―SUSAN B. ANTHONY

  CHAPTER ONE

  THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM

  “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”

  ―FRANK L. BAUM


  BEHIND THE CURTAIN

  He seems calm and may even be being nice to you, then he suddenly screams at you for no reason, calls you names, or criticizes you in front of your children. This type of event can come on insidiously, like a fog slowly rolling in. You don’t see it coming, but when it arrives, the air feels very heavy, damp, and oppressive around you. You are confused. You feel claustrophobic.

  When you’re married to an abusive man, he continues to ignore your requests for him to treat you respectfully. He never apologizes for his bad behavior—he won’t even acknowledge it. He usually is good to you in public and saves the disparaging remark, raised eyebrow, or eye roll for the privacy of home. Over time he isolates you from your friends and family. He is increasingly controlling of even the smallest details of your life. Maybe he likes to invade your personal space, reading your mail and emails, going through your things, and standing way too close to you so that his presence feels invasive. Perhaps he yells and threatens you as he follows you from room to room. It could be that he judges you for every penny you spend, your weight, your clothes, your cooking, or how you interact with your kids. It might be that he insists that you spend every free minute you have with him. Maybe he controls your bank accounts and forces you to have sex when you are sick or exhausted. Or he refuses to help you and then screams at you if you point it out. After all, he has been training you through consistent intimidation not ever to criticize him. You dread being in his company because you always find yourself walking on eggshells around him.

  An abusive man lies to your face, he fabricates stories, or he remembers a different past than you do, reconstructing it to make himself look good. He repeats the lies over and over until you think he believes that it happened that way. After a while, you may even start to wonder if maybe it was you who misremembered. You begin to question your sanity. If you point out the inconsistency of his recollection, he calls you crazy and other names not worthy of anyone. Of course, everything was and is your fault—from his point of view.

  He believes that you are responsible for his moods and his mistakes, every one of them. He cheats on you. Or even if he doesn’t, you feel cheated and dirty. He makes you feel worthless, inept. It is also possible that he mistreats you physically. You are bereft that you have given everything to this man who doesn’t love you. If I try harder, maybe he will love me, you think.

  But he won’t. He can’t.

  That he won’t or can’t is one of the most important lessons you must learn, the reality you must face. You can’t change him. He doesn’t want to change. Why should he? He prefers to keep things the way they are. Your husband certainly isn’t perfect, but he is not capable of self-criticism. The fact that you are unhappy does not bother him at all. It just gives him power. He feeds on it. You are in denial if you believe otherwise.

  Like most abused women, it is likely that you are afraid of what your husband will do if you try to leave him. But you deserve better than this. We all deserve love for being who we are. You need to know that you are good enough just as you are. There are many good men—better men than he—who would appreciate you for who you are and the love you can offer. And what would be the worst that could happen to you if you left your husband and didn’t meet a good man? Your situation would improve. You’d have nobody denigrating or hurting you. There are much worse things than being alone.

  When I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, he screamed at me that I was going to hell. I told him that I was already there. And that was the truth.

  ABUSE DEFINED

  “Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz.

  ―FRANK L. BAUM

  Most couples have disagreements from time to time. On occasion, one partner may cross the line and say things that he or she does not mean only to apologize profusely afterward. If the apology is made with sincerity and the offense not repeated, the couple can restore the relationship. In a healthy relationship, both partners value the needs of their partner as well as their own. They make compromises when necessary, and there are mutual respect and trust.

  Unhealthy relationships are different. Abusers do not apologize sincerely after a disagreement or crossing a line. They do not value their partners’ needs as much as their own. They do not compromise.

  If you feel diminished or disempowered in any way by your partner on a regular basis, this is a sign you should not ignore that he is an abuser.

  Not all abusers show the same traits. However, any combination of the traits listed below is a confirmation that you are dealing with an abusive person who needs to dominate, control, and manipulate you. If you are married to an abuser, he may:

  Have an explosive temper, which is frequently unpredictable and often for no apparent reason.

  Be extremely jealous of you and others.

  Mask his insecurity with an air of bravado.

  Check your cell phone log, text messages, and email, and read your old and current correspondence without your permission.

  Frequently put you down, be judgmental and hypercritical of you, perhaps raising one of his eyebrows or rolling his eyes in a show of contempt when you speak.

  Keep you up all night or wake you up to continue his verbal attacks on you.

  Be very controlling, telling you what you can and can’t do.

  Isolate you from your friends and family, demanding that you spend all your time with him.

  Be possessive and suspicious, requiring you to explain every minute of your day, and disclose who you saw and what you discussed.

  Have mood swings and blame his bad moods on you.

  Make false accusations.

  Refuse to accept personal responsibility for his behavior, mistakes, or problems, shifting blame to others or you.

  Hold you responsible for his negative feelings and sense of well-being.

  Be abusive to you when he drinks or takes drugs, and then blame his drug of choice for the abuse. (Note that if he chooses to get high, he is choosing to abuse you.)

  Break your possessions or throw or strike objects.

  Blame you for his loss of self-control.

  Deny you access to money or financial information, taking your paychecks and withholding bill payments.

  Belittle or criticize you in front of your children.

  Believe in rigid stereotypical gender roles. He expects you to serve and obey him. He thinks that women are inferior and less intelligent than men.

  Let you know that he believes that you are inferior and defective.

  Expect you to be perfect and to fulfill all his needs. He also blames you for not living up to his unrealistic expectations.

  Start sex while you are still sleeping. He demands sex when you are ill or exhausted and shows no concern about whether you want to have sex. He forces you to have sex or hurts you or makes you perform any unwanted activity. (Note that being forced to have sex is rape, even if the perpetrator is your husband.)

  Either threaten you or threaten to hurt himself to manipulate you.

  Restrain you, hurt you, or disrespect you physically in various ways.

  Show no concern for your happiness and well-being.

  GASLIGHTING

  “Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception, and sanity. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. It is a way to manipulate the thoughts and behavior of the victim.”

  ―WIKIPEDIA

  The form of abuse known as gaslighting is more common than one might think. You might not even recognize the extent to which it has been happening to you until long after your divorce is final and the fog in your mind clears. If like me, you wanted to assume the best about your husband, you may have charitably attributed a pattern of lies to either his faulty memory or yo
urs. It is very destabilizing when someone intentionally deceives you, as you begin to doubt what you know is true. It makes you lose perspective and trust in yourself, which is what your partner wants. Nobody wants to believe that the man they married is manipulative and a liar.

  My ex-husband threw coffee in my face on more than one occasion. It wasn’t piping hot, fortunately, so it did not burn me. Although those incidents didn’t leave physical marks on me, they were signs of utter contempt for me and did a lot of damage. I can only imagine what waterboarding would feel like, but I would guess this is very close. He later denied that he ever did such a thing while looking directly into my eyes, saying that he threw the coffee at the wall and not at me. I found his gaslighting to be as scary as the incident itself.

  My ex-husband had lied many times before, and I always made some excuse for him, such as thinking that he or I was misremembering a situation and that something hadn’t been done on purpose. He had reinvented the past on many occasions, always to put himself in a better light, and I had at times questioned my memory of events to give him the benefit of the doubt. But our daughter had seen him throw coffee in my face on one of those occasions, so she confronted him when she overheard him denying it. Even so, he refused to change his story, as he was incapable of admitting to having done something that was not in agreement with his grandiose self-concept.

  The truth was that my ex-husband was a habitual liar and I had been making excuses for him to protect his self-esteem and our marriage. I also must have been subconsciously making excuses to protect myself. I didn’t want to face the fact that I had married a pathological liar with no moral compass. The coffee incidents finally removed the blindfold from my eyes.

  NARCISSISM AND PSYCHOPATHY

  If you have experienced extensive emotional abuse and your abuser lacks empathy, you are probably dealing with a narcissist or a psychopath, someone born without a conscience. Telltale signs include an exaggerated sense of entitlement and exploitation of others, but the primary sign is a lack of empathy. This man is a predator. The most important things to him are his self-esteem, looking good, and maintaining power and control over his victim—you.